A Drop in the Bucket Excerpt 3: Chinese Folklore Parody #2

Originally Written 10/9/07

Introduction

This was actually the first parody story I'd written for my Chinese folklore class. I have no idea where the inspiration for the main character ("Confusedus") came from, but its stupidity makes people groan and I'm super proud of that. You'll have to excuse the multiple inside jokes that will only fully make sense to students of Chinese folklore and language; I've tried to insert editor's notes throughout to explain more of it to everyone else. This short story was also intentionally written in a pretty stilted manner, similar to how many translations of Chinese prose and poetry read. Some of the exaggeration you'll see below actually appears in Chinese folklore, but I took it to a ridiculous extreme. Even if some of these jokes fall flat... they make me laugh, so I'm including this in the compilation, damnit.

Story

It is relayed that Confusedus, in his travels around the states, was tested by his early disciples. They had all been carrying Confusedus around in a carriage in the woods, wandering. The following are excerpts taken to demonstrate Confusedus' wisdom:

One of his disciples, 糖醋鱼by name, (Editor's Note: this name is a common food item... known as "sweet and sour fish") laughed at a nearby sheep, whose wool had grown to such an extent that it dragged behind him for 57 li. (Editor's Note: a "li" is kind of like a "kilometer"). It is told that Confusedus did not like this disciple, since he had had an illicit romance with his mother, and so decided to make an example of him. He addressed 糖醋鱼:

"Why do you question that sheep?"

糖醋鱼 responded, "Master, the sheep's hair is so long that it is dragging behind him for 57 li. This is why I am laughing."

Then Confusedus said, deeply offended, "One who questions the wool of the sheep shall be forever bound by internal and eternal struggle and ignorance. Surely you do not possess 智. (Editor's Note: this character can roughly be translated as "wisdom" or "knowledge." This was actually a crucial trait for the real-life Confucius, and he spoke about it a lot). All who possess this trait know that sheep such as these will one day inspire men to such an extent that they too will wish to grow their hair until it drags behind them for 57 li. People of this sort will flock together and write music as trippy as an uncle, dependent on the bottle."

Confusedus then returned to his game of paddleball.

Therefore, the following popular folk saying is attributed to Confusedus:

"别问髟羊."

(Editor's note: ...this translates to "don't question the hairy sheep.").

Note: this saying became extremely important in the hippie movement of the 1970s, as the hippies had to come up with some excuse for having hair that ridiculously long.

Then 红烧牛肉, another one of Confusedus' disciples (Editor's Note: this name translates to "braised beef." See a pattern yet?) stumbled on a pebble. He fell flat on his face with the grace of a drunken dog. Infuriated, 红烧牛肉 picked up the pebble and launched it over a mountain. In a rage, he approached Confusedus' carriage and demanded to know why he stumbled upon the pebble.

Then Confusedus said, "Normally, no matter one's size, one can make even the greatest giant fall. Even the smallest flies are pesky and annoying to people."

He then stared at his disciple and then said, "...and also karma is a bitch."

红烧牛肉nodded and never again questioned the pebble.

It is relayed that one day on his travels, Confusedus pulled out a whip and gave 300 lashings to every single one of his disciples. This process took a straight week. After this period, he then admonished them:

"You fools! You are going the wrong direction!"

The disciples all responded at the same time, "But Master, we were going the same direction you told us to go."

Then Confusedus said, "Yes, but now we must go to the left! Our destination is that way!"

The disciples looked that direction and all said, "But Master, how do you know?"

At this, Confusedus simply grinned, sat back in his carriage, "Because I know The Way." (Editor's Note: you know, like the Daoist "Way").

But then 家常豆腐 another one of Confusedus' disciples (Editor's Note: this one is also another popular dish... known as "family style tofu"), remarked, "But Master, isn't that something that only Daoists tend to know?"

家常豆腐 was never heard from again. It is rumored that Confusedus spoke to him for three days and nights straight without repeating himself, and 家常豆腐 starved to death.

One day, 麻辣烫, another one of Confusedus' disciples (Editor's Note: Yup, another dish. This one is "hot and sour soup"), asked him a question of pure legitimacy. He said:

"Master, what made the sage-kings sage-like? What qualities did they possess?"

Then Confusedus said, "They possessed many traits that made them sagely."

He then went on to speak again for three days and three nights without repeating himself, but this time did allow potty breaks. Among other things said, Confusedus elaborated on what made sage kings so sagely:

"The reign of the first ruler of the Xia Dynasty, Yáo, was marked by unprecedented peace and prosperity. He felt his reign to be perfect, as one individual did not even know there was a government, as he was more preoccupied with beating his stomach like a drum. (Editor's Note: There's an odd preoccupation in Chinese folklore with people beating their stomachs like drums. I dunno, dude). However, despite all this peace and prosperity, there were also unparalleled natural disasters and supernatural occurrences-"

Then 红烧牛肉 interrupted him, "But Master, wouldn't the natural disasters and catastrophes put kind of a damper on how much happiness and prosperity there was? How could the people be happy with those other things going on?"

糖醋鱼 also added, "Yes, and wouldn't Yáo prefer to ask somebody else what they thought of the government? Usually people who are normal... or sane... usually don't sit there, beating their bellies all day. That seems like a sample bias, Master."

Then Confusedus said, "He who doubts and speaks ill of advice will eventually find their tongues to be aflame."

The disciples pondered this saying and one responded to himself in a rhetorical manner, "I wonder what that actually means..."

Then Confusedus said, "It means 'let me finish the story or I'll set your tongue on fire'."

He then continued:

"One of these disasters was a massive flood that covered the land. To deal with the floods, Yáo hired a man named Gŭn to build a series of dikes. However, he failed in this task, so therefore Yáo did what any sage would do. Can any of you guess what he did?"

The disciples pondered this; then responded after another.

糖醋鱼suggested, "Let him try again?"

Then Confusedus responded, "No."

红烧牛肉 asked, "Asked him nicely to do better?"

"No."

麻辣烫 said, "Understand that it's a torrential flood, and perhaps maybe the government should do more to help, since one person stopping a huge storm surge is pretty absurd?"

Then Confusedus said, "What are you? A Communist?"

The disciples said, "No, but it sounds like a good idea!"

Confusedus shook his head and continued, " Yáo did what the most sagely of sage-kings would do. He had Gŭn publicly executed on a mountain top."

The disciples regarded Confusedus, then asked, "How is that sagely?"

Confusedus looked back at them from his game of paddleball.

"What?"

"Having Gŭn executed... how is that sagely? Surely someone with as much knowledge and wisdom as Yáo could think of a better way of dealing with the situation?"

Confusedus admonished his disciples, "Yáo had the foresight to execute Gŭn as an example to those who would fail him. To let him go wouldn't have been very sagely because who wants random, failed dike-builders running around the kingdom? Yáo realized that to be sage means to execute the right people at the right time."

The disciples nodded and all replied, "Surely you are the wisest man ever to have walked this Earth!"

Thus is the wisdom of Confusedus. His legacy lives on today in the modern world, and people still seek his advice through his best-selling self-help book series and those stupid, miniature rock gardens you can purchase at such book stores as Barnes and Noble©.