A Drop in the Bucket Excerpt 1: Dreams of a Former Star Pilot
Dreams of a Former Star Pilot
Originally Written 10/16/07
Introduction
By the time I wrote this short story, I'd become much more comfortable with resorting to comedy in short stories instead of tired and overly-dramatic themes. This particular story got actual laughs from the creative writing class. Let it also be known that I have absolutely nothing against Billy Dee Williams. You could have just as easily substituted Harrison Ford into this story and the effect would have been the same (except for the quotes!). As I recall, I even mimicked Billy Dee's voice when reading his character's dialogue to the class. Enjoy! (And God, I hope this doesn't get me sued - and no, stupid, this is a compilation of short stories that isn't affiliated at all with Star Wars, Disney, LucasFilm, etc.).
Story
Billy Dee Williams strode down the hallway, flashing a winner's smile, making nearby women within the smile radius go comatose. He snapped his fingers and pointed like the Fonz at one woman, who immediately fell on her face, which was frozen in an expression of ecstasy. Then he woke up at four in the morning and remembered that he was old, frumpy, not Lando Calrissian, and not entirely attractive anymore.
Deciding he needed a pick-me-up, Billy Dee walked to the garage, still donned with footsie pajamas adorned lovingly with the Star Wars logo, and he held a stuffed Yoda to his chest. Upon opening the garage door and saw his equally washed-up 1983 Toyota Corolla that he affectionately called "The Falcon."
Turning back into his house, Billy Dee yanked his cape from the coat rack and pulled it around his shoulders before pinning a laminated badge to his pajamas labeled, "Hello, My Name Is Lando Calrissian." With that, he stepped outside into his beat-up garage, overstepped some rat traps on the floor, and jerked The Falcon's door open, rust permitting, and sat down in the pilot's chair. After securing Yoda in the co-pilot's chair with a seatbelt, he ignited the engine and pulled out of the garage, facing The Falcon down the driveway.
"Here goes nothing!"
Billy Dee put The Falcon in drive and floored it, almost getting airborne as he flew down the driveway, all the while making space engine noises with his mouth. A few minutes later he made it to the Taco Bell drive-thru. As he rolled down his window, a voice emanated in between gum smacks from the speaker box.
"Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?"
He noted the gender of the speaker.
"Well hellooooooo, what have we here?"
"Tonight only, we have three soft tacos for one dollar each."
Lando muttered, "This deal is getting worse all the time..." He hung his head all the way out the window and shouted with authority.
"I am Lando Calrissian, the administrator of this facility!"
Without missing a beat, the woman responded, "Mmkay, two soft tacos and a chalupa, as usual. That'll be $4.90. Please drive around."
This enraged Billy Dee Williams.
"This was never a condition of our agreement, nor was giving Han to this bounty hunter!"
The woman replied with a low rumble.
"Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?"
The Billster was shocked. His anger fell at the threat.
"No."
The woman replied, "Good. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a garrison here... please drive around."
Reluctantly Billy Dee Williams engaged the sub-light engines and pulled around, paid for and received his food, and disembarked for the journey home. He shot a glance at Yoda, sitting next to him.
"Kay, you ready for lightspeed?"
Yoda nodded.
"Punch it!"
The Falcon lurched forward as it suddenly accelerated, wreaking havoc on the speedometer as the needle flew in circles. It was not long before Billy Dee noticed flashing red and blue lights in his rear-view mirror.
"Chewie! Evasive maneuvers!" he shouted over the noise from the still-open window.
Billy threw his chalupa at the radio and yanked the steering wheel to the left. Hard. After crossing four lanes of road, The Falcon plunged into the grassy median, and lurched back up into the other lanes doing .5 past light speed. Billy Dee Williams felt his stomach drop as The Falcon went airborne, flipped five times and landed upright, the impact sending the tires in all directions.
Billy Dee saw the blinking red lights again, but The Falcon was immobile.
"Chewie! Shields up!"
Billy rolled up the window. A Stormtrooper, blaster pistol in hand, disembarked his transport and ran to The Falcon. Billy Dee cranked the windows slightly to speak with the Imperial.
"Why you slimy, double-crossin', no-good swindler... you got a lotta guts comin' here... after what you pulled."
The Stormtrooper spoke very harshly, "Mr. Williams, not again. You need to step out of the vehicle right now!" It wasn't long before the Stormtrooper had him out, donned in stun cuffs, and placed in the transport with the flashing lights.
Before long, Billy Dee found himself in the back seat of the Imperial cruiser. The Stormtrooper was trying to book him on his computer panel and all Billy Dee Williams, washed-up and extremely crazy, kept on saying was, "Having trouble with your droid?"
